Strong Enough

As I sat at our Easter Service a few days ago, listening to the minister's sermon, surrounded by my family, I began to think about all that's happened this past year.  2012 was the most difficult year of my 34 years on this earth.  Riddled with challenges and tragedy, I never thought I'd make it through it.  When January 1, 2013 arrived, I was elated...hoping and praying that the difficulties of 2012 were behind me, hoping that God would decide that He had tested me/us enough.  

As we rolled through those first few weeks of January, I had a renewed energy and spirit, feeling happy and hopeful about what the new year would bring.  As we entered the half-way mark of the first month of the year, my hope quickly dissipated as our sweet puppy, Delaney, at only 6 years of age was diagnosed with lymphoma.  We were devastated...Delaney is our baby, she's been our refuge on a bad day, the comfort through the storms, the glue that's held us together when it seemed nothing else would.  We couldn't stand the thought of losing our spunky pup without putting up a fight.  This Friday will mark the half-way point and her eighth chemo treatment (yes, they do chemo for dogs).  It's been an extreme financial sacrifice for us...but one that we'll never regret.  Each day I come home to that happy face and wagging tail, I feel so thankful that we chose to give her another chance.

February brought blessed news to us...we learned on Valentine's Eve that we were expecting again!  We should have been overjoyed...thrilled for this wonderful blessing, especially after the devastating loss of our first baby last October, but, we felt mostly fear.  Fear of being hurt again, of losing something that represents so much hope.  Our first appointment was on February 27 (my dad's birthday - I felt this was a good omen because how could God give us bad news on such a great day).  I was literally shaking as they performed the ultrasound...much to our elated joy and surprise...there was our baby...heart beating fast and strong.  We both relaxed...we had been so fearful to talk about it for fear of setting ourselves up to be hurt again.  As we left the appointment, we felt a renewed sense of hope, perhaps things WOULD really work out this time.  We returned a week later to make sure things were progressing as they should.  I knew moments after the ultrasound tech began that bad news was once again on the way.  In just a few short days, our sweet baby, our hope of so many joyous possibilities, was taken away from us.  It was as if someone had stabbed me in the heart.  The news we had feared but yet somehow expected had come true.  They say 95% of woman who experience a miscarriage in their first pregnancy go on to have a healthy pregnancy.  I never in a million years thought I would be part of that 'other' statistic.  That meager 5%...I mean, I'm 'healthy and young' (or least according to my doctor).  I was stunned.  

And if all this hasn't provided us enough challenge, God decided last week that we needed at least one more hurdle to jump.  Just 10 short days after learning that our offer had been accepted to purchase our first house, we learned that we would be a one income family as of July 1st, as my husband will no longer be employed...

It's amazing what one can endure.  I'm the first to realize there are people on this earth that have faced and continue to endure so much more tragedy than I have/we have, but, some days, it's hard to believe that.  A Facebook friend recently posted the following picture:

As I sit here tonight writing this post, I continue to hope and pray, to plead with God to give us the healthy baby we so desire, to continue to help heal our beloved Delaney, to allow someone to see the wonderful talent my husband has and invite him to join their team...but most of all, I thank God for making me strong enough to endure these challenges, for making me realize how blessed I am to have wonderful, supportive family and friends, a loving husband, a growing faith, and most of all that I AM strong enough to live this life that is mine in all it's tragedy and triumph. 

 

A momentary blessing

For most of my life, I've known I want to be a mom.       So you can imagine Jason and my utter joy and disbelief when we found out in mid-September that we would be parents!!  We were elated and shocked...to the point of taking more than one test...just to make sure.  

We awaited our first pre-natal appointment with anticipation.  What would our little 'babysweets' (the nickname we gave our little one, a combination of our nicknames for one another - Babycakes (Jason) and Sweetpea (me)) look like, what would he/she become, would he/she have Jason's big brown eyes, my red hair, our drive and zest for life??  We couldn't wait.

We entered the doctor's office, me a bit nervous, Jason boasting with joy.  According to the doctor, we were the "perfect picture of health".  As the appointment proceeded to the ultrasound, I was so excited to see the 'proof' of this little being growing inside me.  And there you were...no bigger than an olive your little heart fluttering like a butterfly, but we could see you!  At that very moment, I realized how very much I wanted you, how full of love my heart already was for you.  That elation lasted for only a brief moment...as we could quickly tell on the doctor's face that something was not quite right.  The doctor was having trouble detecting your little heartbeat again.  My heart sank...more medical personnel came in...still no heartbeat.  I lay there in disbelief.  Just seconds had passed...but it felt like a lifetime.

It's been one month since that fateful day.  A month full of heartache, tears, anger, sadness...a month to wonder what could have been.  It seems so unfair that two healthy adults, two loving people that would have given the world to this little being, should have something so precious taken from them.  We continue to ask 'why' but receive no answers.  

Each day, we try to find comfort in this 'momentary blessing'.  I had no idea how common miscarriage was until going through it myself.  To all my friends, future mothers to be, those that have faced this challenge and are now blessed, I am so sorry you faced this pain.  I wonder why no one talks about this loss...why we choose to face this heartbreak so silently...so alone.  That's exactly how I feel now...alone, full of heartache and loss...longing for something I realized I wanted so much.

I post this today to celebrate our 'babysweets'.  I do not post it for sympathy, but, to selfishly bring comfort to myself, to perhaps another facing such a tragedy. Today, I will celebrate the immense feeling of joy, hope, and love this momentary blessing, our babysweets, brought into our life if even just for a moment.  You took a piece of our hearts with you.  

Turning Around: Renewing my heart

It never ceases to amaze me how in a blink of an eye life can just change.  The secret is it's usually not been a blink though that led to the change.  I am not sure how I've become so 'blind' to someone who's face I look at every day, who's voice I hear on the phone, who's arms hold me tight.  What happened to us?  I've been asking myself that all week.  I just can't believe I didn't see it before now. 

Life is hard.  I think about the last nine years and it's so easy to focus on all the lows, the fights, the crying, the feeling that I am constantly giving.  Why can't I focus on the hugs, the late nights laying in bed talking, the laughter, the happy tears, the dancing, the silliness and wonderful memories.  Why are those pieces of me, of us so buried? 

I am not asking for life to be easy.  I am asking to find the way to find me, to find us.  I have been so busy chasing the life I thought I needed I didn't take the time to recognize the great life I have.  I know we are still in there.  According to Acts 17:11 Bible Studies, "many think the word repent means "to get your act together" or to "get religion" or "fly straight"; as if we could. Repentance requires taking in a whole new point of view; looking at it God's way. God simply asks us to turn. This is the way we accept His gift. When we do, certain outcomes are promised. If we don't, or we "turn back", alternate outcomes are promised."  So here it is, I am taking this moment to 'Turn Around'. 

Saying sorry is never enough to the one you love and yet that's the easiest thing to do.  I think about the number of times I've said that but never really given thought to the action or behaviour that I felt required those three words, "I am sorry".  I am sorry.  I am so sorry that I've spent so much time chasing the future I thought I needed that I've not been living in the present.  That I've spent so much energy on being unhappy that I feel I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy.  That I've been so wrapped up in myself that I've ignored the one person that means the most in this world to me.  That I've not given that person love in the way that he needs it, deserves it, desires it. 

Life gets away from you so easily, so quickly.  It's time to slow down, to embrace the little moments, to take time for conversation, to see what's in front of me, around me, within me.  To share that with the one that's brought me happiness, laughter, stability, and most of all, love.

Things I Remember...

My Great-grandmother, Elsie Kaiser, was a wonderful writier, amazing cook, talented gardener, and most of all, an unforgettable woman.  I had the pleasure of enjoying her stories, history, and affection for the first 23 years of my life.  She left us in 2002 at the age of almost 102!

My mom forwarded me these 'words of wisdom' the other day...reminds me of my great-grandmother and grandmothers...and all the wonderful woman I have and continue to have the pleasure of learning from...

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Change the way you think.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month...

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Release your children when they become adults, its their life now

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Just because you believe you are right, doesn't mean you are. Keep an open mind.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words; 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30.. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. Your job is to love your children, not choose who they should love.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere..

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43.. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield..

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Totally defined: 9 to 5

According to the National Sleep Foundation, the average employed American works a 46-hour work week with over 38% of respondents reporting an average work week of 50+ hours. Now factoring in my average round-trip commute of 50 minutes, the 5 minute walk each way from the parking garage to the office, and the 'necessary' email check each night (and weekend) that puts the total time I dedicate to my job, on average, at 56 hours per week. I try to get about 7 hours of sleep a night (which usually ends up being about 4)...add that together and that gives me approximately 15 waking hours per work week to focus on the 'other' stuff of life...like laundry, bills, walking the dog, making dinner, cleaning up from dinner, oh, better buy the groceries so we can actually EAT dinner, and trying to squeeze in a workout or two to keep my sanity. Fifteen hours a week...that's around the number of hours the average teenager sleeps on ONE weekend night.

As Americans we tend to define ourselves by what we do.  Very rarely do we hear someone introduce another by saying..."This is Joe, he likes long walks on the beach, relaxing with family, and most recently completed his first triathlon".  More often, we hear..."This is Joe, he is a brand manager at (insert fortune 500 company) in (insert large U.S. Metropolis).  He went to (insert top 20 business school)...yadda, yadda, yadda".  Now, don't get me wrong, I find little wrong with defining some of who you are by what you do, but, in my mind, and maybe it's just me, there is so much MORE to me than what I do from 9 to 5 (well in my case, it's more like 7:30 to 5:30). 

Harvard Business Review contributor Tony Schwartz recently published an article entitled "Is the Life You're Living Worth the Price You're Paying to Live It?" (http://blogs.hbr.org/schwartz/2011/07/is-the-life-youre-living-worth.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter, HBR Blog Network, July 6, 2011).  In the article Schwartz likens the American work ethic to the story of a boiling frog:

What toll does it take, over time, if you get too little sleep; skip breakfast or settle for something unhealthy; struggle with a relentlessly challenging commute; attend meeting after meeting with no breaks in between; pump yourself up through the day with multiple cups of coffee or sugary snacks; deal with hundreds of emails that accumulate in your inbox; remain at your desk for lunch if you eat lunch at all; push through fatigue in the afternoon; head home at night feeling exhausted, but continue to check email through the evening; work on the weekends; and limit your vacations to no more than a week or two, if you vacation at all?

Consider the story of the boiling frog. It may or may not be true, but the point it makes certainly is. Toss a frog into a pot of boiling water and it instinctively jumps out, self-protectively. Next, place the frog into a pot of cool water. Not surprisingly, it swims around, happily. Now heat the water up very gradually and what does the frog do? It acclimates to untenable circumstances — and slowly cooks. The frog doesn't notice what's happening to him, until it's too late.

Now, this may seem a bit harsh, but I could name off a number of people (some of whom I know well) that seem to live by this credo.  Work more, work harder...work to the bone.  Don't get me wrong, I consider myself a dedicated employee and positive contributor to the organization for whom I work.  But, am I willing to give up my evenings with my husband, my weekends with friends and family, the volunteer opportunities, trips to take, and memories to make all to get in that extra hour, two, or twenty in the office to 'get ahead'?  Absolutely not!

It's interesting that the article goes on to state how counterproductive the "boiling frog" worker is:

"Allostatic load" is a term coined by the neuroscientist Bruce McEwen that refers to the physiological consequences — most especially on the brain — of chronic exposure to relentless demand. When fight-or-flight hormones circulate in our body for too long, keeping our arousal high, they become toxic — not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally.

The most immediate problem with the fight-or-flight state is that our pre-frontal cortex begins to shut down. We become reactive rather than reflective. We lose precisely what we need most in these complex times: the capacity to think analytically and imaginatively; to embrace nuance and paradox rather than choosing up sides; and to take a long-term perspective rather than making the most expedient choice.

Sound familiar?  It seems there is some truth to the phrase "work hard, play harder".  Our bodies need a break, they demand it.  I Guess I am doing something right by allowing myself to eat away from my desk on occasion, to take that much needed walk with a co-worker to the coffee shop to re-caffeinate and rejuvenate, and most importantly to allow myself to unplug and totally unwind with a good book, a fantastic movie, or an unforgettable trip with a loved one.  Hmmm, speaking of, time to plan that next getaway...this girl's not going to be boiled!!

For Better....or those 'other' times

(Comic Strip courtesy of "For Better or For Worse" by Lynn Johnston, 4.11.1980)

No one ever tells you how challenging marriage will be.  I guess that's what makes the journey so interesting. Boy meets girl, they date for a while, decide they are in love, boy proposes, and voila!, you have a marriage in the making!  Now, I don't want to seem like I am trivializing or oversimplifying the journey up to this point, but, in retrospect, that was the 'easy' part. 

I couldn't wait to marry Jason...shortly into our courtship I knew he was the 'one'.  Up to that point, I always wondered what that phrase meant...the 'one'.  In the words of "Jerry Maguire": 

"He completed me"...completes me... 

Finding the right mate is like finding that perfect pair of running shoes....they have to be comfortable, sturdy, flexible, supportive, and most importantly, enduring.  I'll be the first to say I am not an easy person to live with.  I am tenacious (stubborn), ambitious (pushy), and eager (impatient).  No one's perfect, right? 

Whenever you take two independent, motivated individuals and unite them into one, you are bound to have a few bumps along the way.  Being married is akin to a lifelong rollercoaster ride...a new adventure awaits with every up, down, twist, and turn.  Jason and I have had our share of adventures...testing the limits of our patience, strength, and endurance as a couple.  Sometimes the most mundane tasks (like taking the car key off your key ring before locking the car and heading to the start line of a running race) can lead to a new adventure (like calling a locksmith on the 4th of July to break into said car where car key is safely nestled along with cell phone needed to call locksmith and wallet needed to pay locksmith) to joyfully listening to said car's alarm blare not so tranquilly for 45 minutes while said locksmith and husband try to figure out how to turn it off.  Yes, our adventures abound! 

I do have to say though, that I think I've found that perfect pair of running shoes in my mate.  His arms provide the perfect place to rest comfortably and read a book, watch a movie, or talk into the night.  His hands are sturdy, always holding us up when it would be much easier to fall down.  His flexibility has allowed us to travel the globe and open ourselves to amazing, unforgettable experiences.  His support has and continues to allow me to pursue my professional and personal passions with enthusiasm.  His love for me and evertyhing he does endures this rollercoaster ride of the better and all those 'other' times in our journey together.  And the best part...we get to cover all of these miles and adventures together...in retrospect, all of those 'other' times make for pretty funny stories too!

Finding my way

"There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream." ~Author Unknown

My family and I recently returned from a much needed vacation to San Diego. It was not only a vacation but a time of discovery, reflection, and most of all, a time to make life-long memories. Jason and I had the great opportunity to live in San Diego not once, but twice. A long, but very unintersting story...two of our many moves across the country. I LOVE San Diego, I mean I LOVEEEEEEEEE San Diego!!!!! The beaches, the sun, the neverending outdoor activities...the food (fish tacos - yum), the eccentric people (dare I mention the thong-wearing rollerblader), the laidback tempo, but most of all, I LOVE me there. There is something magical about that place. Maybe its the carefree memories of a life that seems so far away, maybe its seeing the sun and feeling it's rays on my Iowa-winter-pale skin. Whatever it is, I want to capture that feeling, bottle it up and take it with me EVERYWHERE!

This trip was something I knew I needed but I didn't really realize why until we were sitting at the airport, Starbucks in hand, waiting to make the long journey back home. I have spent the last 8-plus years trying to figure out how to match my life dreams with that of my husband. How to mesh our hopes, wants, desires into a life that would be remarkable, memorable, and successful. I've never longed for a big house, fancy car, or mega-bucks job, but I have wished, hoped, and dreamed of having stability, security, and happiness. Sometimes I feel like this must be wishing for too much as I have yet to capture this fantasy life.

Part of our vacation was spent participating in the San Diego Dodge Rock 'n' Roll Half (Jason and I) and Full (my brother) Marathon.

I had forgotten how much I love participating in running races. From the Expo, to the starting line, to each magical and sometimes brutal step forward to the finish and receipt of my crown jewel (medal), there is little in life that I find more fulfilling than pushing myself in such a physical, mental, and emotional way to achieve something that very few have the courage to try. Watching the thousands of people before me and the thousands (okay, maybe hundreds) behind me, reminded me that although I didn't know a single soul (beyond my husband and brother) in this crowd, we were all working towards the same goal...to finish something we had trained for months to complete, to achieve a goal we had set before ourselves...as I overhead the race announcer say as they released corral by corral, "it doesn't matter where you finish, the medal's the same".

You might say, so what does this experience have to do with me "finding my way". Everything! This race was a not so silent reminder that regardless of the number of miles I may have to run in pursuit of my dream, each step brings me one breath, one drop of sweat, one heartbeat closer to my fantasy life.