A momentary blessing

For most of my life, I've known I want to be a mom.       So you can imagine Jason and my utter joy and disbelief when we found out in mid-September that we would be parents!!  We were elated and shocked...to the point of taking more than one test...just to make sure.  

We awaited our first pre-natal appointment with anticipation.  What would our little 'babysweets' (the nickname we gave our little one, a combination of our nicknames for one another - Babycakes (Jason) and Sweetpea (me)) look like, what would he/she become, would he/she have Jason's big brown eyes, my red hair, our drive and zest for life??  We couldn't wait.

We entered the doctor's office, me a bit nervous, Jason boasting with joy.  According to the doctor, we were the "perfect picture of health".  As the appointment proceeded to the ultrasound, I was so excited to see the 'proof' of this little being growing inside me.  And there you were...no bigger than an olive your little heart fluttering like a butterfly, but we could see you!  At that very moment, I realized how very much I wanted you, how full of love my heart already was for you.  That elation lasted for only a brief moment...as we could quickly tell on the doctor's face that something was not quite right.  The doctor was having trouble detecting your little heartbeat again.  My heart sank...more medical personnel came in...still no heartbeat.  I lay there in disbelief.  Just seconds had passed...but it felt like a lifetime.

It's been one month since that fateful day.  A month full of heartache, tears, anger, sadness...a month to wonder what could have been.  It seems so unfair that two healthy adults, two loving people that would have given the world to this little being, should have something so precious taken from them.  We continue to ask 'why' but receive no answers.  

Each day, we try to find comfort in this 'momentary blessing'.  I had no idea how common miscarriage was until going through it myself.  To all my friends, future mothers to be, those that have faced this challenge and are now blessed, I am so sorry you faced this pain.  I wonder why no one talks about this loss...why we choose to face this heartbreak so silently...so alone.  That's exactly how I feel now...alone, full of heartache and loss...longing for something I realized I wanted so much.

I post this today to celebrate our 'babysweets'.  I do not post it for sympathy, but, to selfishly bring comfort to myself, to perhaps another facing such a tragedy. Today, I will celebrate the immense feeling of joy, hope, and love this momentary blessing, our babysweets, brought into our life if even just for a moment.  You took a piece of our hearts with you.  

Turning Around: Renewing my heart

It never ceases to amaze me how in a blink of an eye life can just change.  The secret is it's usually not been a blink though that led to the change.  I am not sure how I've become so 'blind' to someone who's face I look at every day, who's voice I hear on the phone, who's arms hold me tight.  What happened to us?  I've been asking myself that all week.  I just can't believe I didn't see it before now. 

Life is hard.  I think about the last nine years and it's so easy to focus on all the lows, the fights, the crying, the feeling that I am constantly giving.  Why can't I focus on the hugs, the late nights laying in bed talking, the laughter, the happy tears, the dancing, the silliness and wonderful memories.  Why are those pieces of me, of us so buried? 

I am not asking for life to be easy.  I am asking to find the way to find me, to find us.  I have been so busy chasing the life I thought I needed I didn't take the time to recognize the great life I have.  I know we are still in there.  According to Acts 17:11 Bible Studies, "many think the word repent means "to get your act together" or to "get religion" or "fly straight"; as if we could. Repentance requires taking in a whole new point of view; looking at it God's way. God simply asks us to turn. This is the way we accept His gift. When we do, certain outcomes are promised. If we don't, or we "turn back", alternate outcomes are promised."  So here it is, I am taking this moment to 'Turn Around'. 

Saying sorry is never enough to the one you love and yet that's the easiest thing to do.  I think about the number of times I've said that but never really given thought to the action or behaviour that I felt required those three words, "I am sorry".  I am sorry.  I am so sorry that I've spent so much time chasing the future I thought I needed that I've not been living in the present.  That I've spent so much energy on being unhappy that I feel I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy.  That I've been so wrapped up in myself that I've ignored the one person that means the most in this world to me.  That I've not given that person love in the way that he needs it, deserves it, desires it. 

Life gets away from you so easily, so quickly.  It's time to slow down, to embrace the little moments, to take time for conversation, to see what's in front of me, around me, within me.  To share that with the one that's brought me happiness, laughter, stability, and most of all, love.